Wednesday, January 04, 2012

Happy New Year! and thank you...


I know you are thinking, wow is she ever late!!  Well I figure better late than never, right? :)  I have to admit the last few months weeks have been spent in some pretty deep soul searching.  

Okay to be up front and above board this is going to be one of those truly "heavy" posts.... You see something happened back in May that rocked my world but I didn't find out until the end of June.  

In all honesty, its something that ate away at me for months.  It affected all relationships in my husband, children, my Lord and the world in general. all started with a letter... in June... to my Mom... from the US Army saying her portion of my dad's retirement check per the divorce settlement was stopped because.... my Dad had died... in MAY!!  All paperwork listed him as having no next of kin.  Yeah that would be me.... I was the NO NEXT of KIN and it hurt me to the CORE!!!  This was the man who cut all ties with me when we moved to Alaska in 2005.  I was crushed but instead of reaching out, I built walls.  High, thick walls surrounding my heart to keep it from breaking apart completely... walls that ended up closing me off from my husband, my children, the world, and my Lord.  This was the man who lied to me by saying he had sold his house and was moving and would call me with his new phone number the following week after I gave him our new address, phone numbers, etc... it never happened.  The cell number I called was disconnected a few weeks later, his house was foreclosed on, and there was NO forwarding address.  In fact 6 years later the Department of US Army still thought he was at the old address.  His bank still had the address for the old house.  It was as if he had vanished.... until he showed up at a hospital emergency room and died a week later.  It was only then that any records show he had moved into a condo owned by the "kid" who had been "renting" his basement apartment for all those years prior to the foreclosure.  The "kid" who told the hospital there was an estranged daughter but they hadn't heard from her in years. LIAR!!  It was HIS phone my dad had called me from that last time I talked to him back in November of 2005.  The hurt ran deep but, you know what?  I'm healing.  FINALLY... It took a notification in December, yes December you did read that correctly, to my Mom saying they needed more info as there might be back retirement/disability pay owed due to Dad's time in Vietnam.  I finally sat down and cried sobbed my heart out... my dad was gone and was never coming back.  There was no longer any chance of reconciliation, no opportunity to say that I loved him regardless....., bygone hurts were forgiven, and that no matter what he was still my Dad and I LOVE him!  But I was finally able to face things head on with the help of my Lord and the walls came crumbling down. Do I still have moments?  Yes but there are far more reasons for me to move forward... a husband that loves me dearly, children who are truly a blessing from God, and a host of friends who are dear to my heart.  

So I am moving on with life.  Does this mean I will post more regularly?  Not necessarily. ha ha! (insert big cheesy grin)  It does me that the projects are being worked on again, plans are being made, and life is moving forward... with me as a willing participant, not grudgingly.  Our eldest graduates in May and heads off to college in the fall... a new chapter to be EMBRACED.  This house is our HOME, not just a temporary residence.  COOKING is a personal experience to be shared again.  FINANCIAL responsibility is proactive. CREATIVITY allows me to breath.  PRAYER gives strength. READING THE WORD brings  sustenance to a starving soul. LEARNING stretches in more ways than I can even begin to acknowledge.  

So please continue along with me on this journey.  And yes I really do plan to work much harder on this blog.... the first steps will be finding a mentor, stepping out of my comfort zone instead of retreating, and looking for accountability.  Any takers? Ha ha!

And last but definitely, most definitely NOT least I want to say:

for being plugging along with me, through thick or thin, rain, shine, storms and absence!  But mostly through absence!!  I really do appreciate it!