Wednesday, January 04, 2012

Happy New Year! and thank you...


I know you are thinking, wow is she ever late!!  Well I figure better late than never, right? :)  I have to admit the last few months weeks have been spent in some pretty deep soul searching.  

Okay to be up front and above board this is going to be one of those truly "heavy" posts.... You see something happened back in May that rocked my world but I didn't find out until the end of June.  

In all honesty, its something that ate away at me for months.  It affected all relationships in my husband, children, my Lord and the world in general. all started with a letter... in June... to my Mom... from the US Army saying her portion of my dad's retirement check per the divorce settlement was stopped because.... my Dad had died... in MAY!!  All paperwork listed him as having no next of kin.  Yeah that would be me.... I was the NO NEXT of KIN and it hurt me to the CORE!!!  This was the man who cut all ties with me when we moved to Alaska in 2005.  I was crushed but instead of reaching out, I built walls.  High, thick walls surrounding my heart to keep it from breaking apart completely... walls that ended up closing me off from my husband, my children, the world, and my Lord.  This was the man who lied to me by saying he had sold his house and was moving and would call me with his new phone number the following week after I gave him our new address, phone numbers, etc... it never happened.  The cell number I called was disconnected a few weeks later, his house was foreclosed on, and there was NO forwarding address.  In fact 6 years later the Department of US Army still thought he was at the old address.  His bank still had the address for the old house.  It was as if he had vanished.... until he showed up at a hospital emergency room and died a week later.  It was only then that any records show he had moved into a condo owned by the "kid" who had been "renting" his basement apartment for all those years prior to the foreclosure.  The "kid" who told the hospital there was an estranged daughter but they hadn't heard from her in years. LIAR!!  It was HIS phone my dad had called me from that last time I talked to him back in November of 2005.  The hurt ran deep but, you know what?  I'm healing.  FINALLY... It took a notification in December, yes December you did read that correctly, to my Mom saying they needed more info as there might be back retirement/disability pay owed due to Dad's time in Vietnam.  I finally sat down and cried sobbed my heart out... my dad was gone and was never coming back.  There was no longer any chance of reconciliation, no opportunity to say that I loved him regardless....., bygone hurts were forgiven, and that no matter what he was still my Dad and I LOVE him!  But I was finally able to face things head on with the help of my Lord and the walls came crumbling down. Do I still have moments?  Yes but there are far more reasons for me to move forward... a husband that loves me dearly, children who are truly a blessing from God, and a host of friends who are dear to my heart.  

So I am moving on with life.  Does this mean I will post more regularly?  Not necessarily. ha ha! (insert big cheesy grin)  It does me that the projects are being worked on again, plans are being made, and life is moving forward... with me as a willing participant, not grudgingly.  Our eldest graduates in May and heads off to college in the fall... a new chapter to be EMBRACED.  This house is our HOME, not just a temporary residence.  COOKING is a personal experience to be shared again.  FINANCIAL responsibility is proactive. CREATIVITY allows me to breath.  PRAYER gives strength. READING THE WORD brings  sustenance to a starving soul. LEARNING stretches in more ways than I can even begin to acknowledge.  

So please continue along with me on this journey.  And yes I really do plan to work much harder on this blog.... the first steps will be finding a mentor, stepping out of my comfort zone instead of retreating, and looking for accountability.  Any takers? Ha ha!

And last but definitely, most definitely NOT least I want to say:

for being plugging along with me, through thick or thin, rain, shine, storms and absence!  But mostly through absence!!  I really do appreciate it!


  1. Peggy--I remember when you first told us this story (about your dad's passing) I didn't relate to it much then, but this post hits home with me. My dad and mom divorced when I was very young. My dad remarried and had a son. My dad then divorced and remarried again. He and his son were estranged when my dad passed away several years ago. This all took place in TX. I have searched for my brother for awhile. Finally I sort of found him after his mother passed away.
    I happened to search (google) three days after his mother's passing and it lead to the obituary, which revealed that my brother had moved to the North East. I searched further and found his wife on FB. I have reached out to her several times since I first found her in Oct 2010. My brother wants nothing to do with me and it hurts more than I can make anyone around me understand. Nobody gets it.
    It's hard to get past it, but I must. I have no way to contact him except through his wife.
    Although it is not the same as your dad, I understand the hurt you must have felt.
    I'm glad that you are moving on, because being in a "hold" pattern is not healthy.
    I was here before, I'm here now, and I'll be here to follow along as you move forward.
    All the best to you AND your family. Hoping the VERY best for your mom.

  2. This made tears come to my eyes! I'm sorry you've been in so much pain and feelings so much hurt. I'm glad you're able to get some healing and peace. Praise the Lord for His mercy! I will be praying for you.

  3. Peggy, I'm so sorry for all of the hurt and grief you've experienced. Losing a loved one is never easy, and yours is compounded by all of the circumstances surrounding your relationship. I hope that in time, you will continue to find the strength you need to get you through. How fortunate you are to have your Mom, a loving husband and children at your side to help you. Sending love and prayers your way!

  4. Hey sweet lady. :)
    I remember you talking about losing your dad, but I had no idea all those circumstances surrounded that loss. Oh hun, I am so sorry you've been through so much. I'm glad you've decided to let your walls down and live again....pain and anger can be so paralizing. I'm glad you put it out on your blog too..I think we bloggers tend to try to put out all the smiles and happy faces when it's not all sunshine and roses all the time. We should share with each other what's truly going on so we can all cry, laugh and rejoice with each other. That's what friends do, and I'm glad you put yourself out "there" for us to read, so we can share it with you. Praying for you and your mom too...bless her heart, hope she gets some back money to help her get through.
    Love ya
    PS...we really should get together again sometime. A couple of my blogger friends in Lexington have been talking about planning a get together soon, maybe you can come down for that too. :)

  5. My hope for you is that 2012 brings with it continued healing and many good laughs with friends. Lots of crafting of course too. Isn't it strange to see our children become adults in the blink of an eye?
    Take care,